TW: Struggling with substance thoughts, job likelihood and CoVid, accepting any part of my mental and physical self. What I can expect and accept in people and relationships.. It's hard to commit to anything with BPD. The guilt I have sometimes about the life I'm not living is tremendous and I sit and ruminate for hours about it... The sense of wanting to escape and the worry that comes with the idea of work etc because of the reassurance I need to succeed is just too much... everything changes daily because moods fluctuate and feelings about environment, people and situations are variable and mood dependent. Some days I don't give two tits about the life I'm not living and I'm somewhat content with just being ME but other days I can't stand anything about my physical and mental self alongside the life it has forced me to live... the dependency on others versus the want to be alone and in control ... It's a mental cross to bare I'll say that much... The split views of like/dislike, love/hate can be quite disconcerting and confusing. How can we ever make our mind and feelings up about anything or a situation or an interaction ? The mind and soul boggles. I get so worried at times about being lazy, unmotivated or substance/prescription dependent ... I would hate to be viewed and thought of like that but maybe there is a truth to it... Maybe I am just supremely afraid of life and want my hand held and a consistent push and thirst for affirmation and reassurance... Maybe it's a flaw, maybe it's just something within me feeling vulnerable and childlike and in need of that emotional sustenance and attention... Never quite knowing what I should or shouldn’t feel bad, worried or sure about.. such is my indecisive and impulsive nature. People think of it as being shallow and incapable at times where I’m concerned and like I should just know and do better. I take meds, I go to therapy (both group and individual) and I try to contribute to support groups and be somewhat clued up.. But that’s not always reality. Not everything in life will happen like therapy in a controlled clinical setting with support... Some day I might have to face life and people and forming an identity on my own and that shocks me with fear and makes me feel infantile... But that is reality if I don’t want to spend my life being emotionally and physically dependent on others and on the welfare state... I wish I could be more consistent and more of my better, more worldly and empathetic self who has no fear. They are in me somewhere but only seem to be in focus and charge for brief short periods or “bursts of mania” as I like to put it...